2008: In personal reflection
"I grew up exuberant in body but with a nervy, craving mind. It wanted something more, something tangible. It sought for reality intensely, always as if it were not there…" -- J. Edwards
A split second arises where we ask ourselves: What should I do with my life?
I remember this clearly years ago after I graduated from college; a new world seems to be full of endless promises for me to start my personal journey. The seduction of fledgling beginnings bring out the vitality of my youth. I wanted to go out there, with a handful of optimism and naivety, I immersed into the pulsating universe and had been awaken with a peculiar society out of the comfort of my simple upbringing. I tried everything that was different; I succumb to what is dangerous and alluring. I followed my heart where it leads me to places and things that wasn't a happy ending. I venture the unknown, it may be deplorable and winding but the lessons that I brought back with me remain valued and no matter what happen, nothing can take those moments away from me.
Thinking back then, being idealistic and unobstructed allowed me to take those chances. I have been everywhere; walking through dark alleys with empty stomach to sailing the lavish seas with wine and cheese. Home becomes a stranger. The quest for experience is what keeps me moving. My thirst for knowledge of the cosmos is unforgiving. My restlessness is far beyond keeping me from slowing down. I befall to be a voyager, exploring new grounds of fulfillment; I was a nomad, needing foreign lands to welcome my eloquence. I seek life, rather than love, money or fame I treasured most my freedom.
Does this make me wiser? No. When I opened Pandora's Box, the more I find myself belittle uncovering the mystery of life. Should I say I became a better person? No. I am my own enemy, a walking contradiction. Nietzsche strikes a chord of He who fights monsters should see to it that he himself does not become a monster. When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. My life remained a battlefield. My demons faithfully haunt me. Then, what does this experience bring out of me? There was nothing, only confronted by the sad plight of reality.
Let us consider Ayn Rand's Objectivism of man's nature and the virtue of selfishness. Which leads to the argument, man have to live for his own sake for the achievement of his own happiness and highest moral purpose, returning to our impasse with the premise what should I do with my life is an indication of self interest. We are finding perpetual meaning based on the primacy of our existence.
As another year ends, another history, another transition, I am grateful to learn and understand that at present juncture we often unearth ourselves in constant search for something; we chase our idle and empyreal dreams, addictions, religions, hedonistic practices, exotic travels or even other people to fill the emptiness that consumes us. Not knowing the only place we ever needed to find is within our own self. After bitter truths, desperate efforts and broken hearts I realized what only matters most is what I left behind; my dead beaten self and the incomparable love of my family that I neglected and uncared for most of the times.
In reflection, if you find yourself unsatisfied, destitute asking redemption in your life; allow me to leave the final words of P. Cavafy: "To another land, do not hope. For there is no ship for you, there is no road. As you have ruined your life here in this little corner, you have destroyed it in the whole world."