Carpooling Loonies
By Jinki Beldia

Charlene spilled too much (2)

(An induced conclusion… continued from the October 5 issue)

Here, finally, more coffee.

The words ‘subtle whoring’ are like Garfield and Hello Kitty trapped together in an undersized playhouse. One is a witty cat and the other one is simply brain dead but exudes a more inviting manner. You figure which is which. But what can those two possibly do together? It took me a while to digest the words ‘subtle whoring’ the first time I heard it 16 years ago. Subtle, reminds you of a doting grandmother who cooks yellow-eyed cookies on weekends, while whoring, reminds you of an aunt who occasionally runs away with randomly picked mustachioed guys. Putting those two personalities together means an explosion as bad as the ones in Bali. No wonder Charlene’s “Never Been To Me” has never dropped out from so many Bad Songs Survey. You’d be surprised there are actually people from other countries who dedicate themselves to these kinds of surveys. Some people just have the time to burn their hindquarters to know what people consider as bad eggs in an illimitable list of songs. Along  with Marilyn Manson (and the Moffats too, because for unknown  reason Manson has expressed fear towards these bunch of kids who just want to play rock music), the Sex Pistols and Bewitched (with an album named Diabolical Desecration), Charlene has been considered one of the demons in the music industry who tortures mankind  by causing “Never Been To Me” to reverberate in one’s head for days and days  after  hearing it.

And as if singing it is not hounding enough, there’s a spoken part of the song that goes, Hey, you know what paradise is? It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be. But you know what truth is? It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning, is the same one you're going to make love with tonight. That's truth, that's love...Just a little slip and Charlene would have ended up wheezing with all the breathy exhibitions she did in the song. Love is easily given away as the supreme equal of desperation pushing women to cliffs of eternal desolation. If…and I say if, men are the real cause of this inner turmoil women feel inside because most of them tend to treat women as throwaways, then why do  many of them allow men to do that? A man can hold a dagger against a woman’s neck only if she lets him.

“I’ve Never Been To Me” is taken as an innocent love song by so many who kick wretchedness inside the cab and take them to karaoke bars. For one, its one of those songs anybody can just sing effortlessly. It’s just a pitiful sight (and well, a pitiful sound especially) how they seem to sing the song with all the glory without considering how they incriminate themselves by singing  to the world how  unhappy they are with themselves and how they are trampled upon by men right after every supper. Your genes are your family’s fault, but the obtuse decisions you make about men are the effect of brains you didn’t allow to grow inside that head of yours. One of the most interesting theories I’ve gathered (or did I just realize it?) is: the reason why the lesbian fever has become a pandemic outbreak is because more and more women have become scared not directly of how men can sabotage their emotions, but that they just don’t want to have anything to do with them anymore after hearing all the repulsive stories about man-woman relationships. That makes lesbianism the nearest lacuna and a lot of women became so comfortable squeezing in there.

It took me one long bumpy horse ride inside my head just to think how men really understand women. The last time I was with The Ninies, a lot of complaints were filed on our coffee table about men who: spend too much time with their friends, love to engage in  dense activities with other males at work, get jealous easily but are buttoned-up about their affairs, don’t understand emotional infidelity, think of  their  homes as doll houses they only come  home to if they need to  feel that undivided attention, treat their wives  plainly as wives, etc, etc…All of the above are like 500 cheap cinnamon breads placed together in one tray.

And while Charlene went on emotively making herself believe that she’s ‘never been to her’ (Freud would have had a lot to say about that) she’s completely forgotten the ones who wrote and composed “Never Been To Me” were not completely on her side. Ironically, with all the confession about not finding oneself, and the misfortune of women, and the desperation, and all that’s distasteful about their experiences with men and life were written by men. Initially, you’d think they’re sensitive human beings who understand women, but in the long run, and if you think hard enough, feel deep enough, you’d realize how disagreeably they are representing women in the song, making them appear  pitiable and powerless over their impulses, men  and life in general. The reason why Dave Barry and hundreds of other people (or peoples for that matter) voted for the song again and again as one of the worst songs, is because of the lyrics. Women who understand better found more reasons to hate the song and voted it off as a note shading feminism in an unfavorable light.  Ken Kirsch and Ronald Miller coated these heartrending words with lamentable melody which worked for some who fell for it but regretfully, never listened to what it really said.

Never trust a song written by men hiding under a woman’s voice…not  especially if it veers away from the fact that women are powerful and are not enslaved by sexual impulses.

(E-mail the author at jinki_young@yahoo.com)