Rational Insanity
By Bryan Mari Argos

'Undefinitions'

I am an expert in finding ways to depressurize myself from all the stress of the daily grind. I go for things from the simple to the very mundane to squeeze out every last bit of sunshine from a cloudy overhang. I don't believe in moping around for too long just because I did not get a business deal which I worked my ass off on, or just because I had to spend an agonizing week waiting for my delayed salary to reflect in my ATM account. I snap out of life's miseries the moment I've cried myself out for about an hour. One thing I usually do when I want to de-stress myself is think of everyday words and define them in the most absurd but ironically, true ways. After I've defined ten to twenty words in my head, I'm ready to go out and explode with more sunshine for all those around me. This week, I would like to show you how I do the zen and art of un-defining things; here are a few of my favorites.

1. Coffee – an unusually black and bitter liquid that non-coffee drinkers drink with a forced smile to feign sophistication and style and squeeze their way into the undeniably cute and yuppie real coffee drinking crowd. By the way, coffee drinkers would know if you are not a real coffee drinker – brown not wash, sugar syrup or cubes, got it? We want our coffee without the fanfare.

2. Cigarette – something you suck on for want of a better something to suck; something to give a finger job to when there is no other better something (or someone?) to give that finger job to. Cigarettes can give you lung cancer when you have no means of getting lip or colon cancer, read me? Inhale, not suck and blow – drag on it like you are having sex with it. Hmmmmmm…

3. Hair putty – hair stuff that you put on your decent do to make it look un-decent. If you are just gonna brush your hair back or comb on a “peluka” use pomade or car grease. Using putty for a “kagalang-galang” do is so politically incorrect. On the other hand, why spend on putty when you can easily get that out-of-bed look after a wild night with your guy? Especially when its dark and it splashes all over the place? Just a thought – a bad hair day used to be a really big issue, now, everybody wants to get bad hair (to the extent of spending at least two hundred pesos on a canister of putty, oh, before I forget – putty gives you lots of dandruff).

4. Karen Carpenter – the extreme antonym of Judy Ann Santos. Someone you want to listen to and don't have to wait for too long before she is heard. Something that gives you a natural blush and misty eyes on a cloudy Sunday afternoon.

5. Homophobia – a synonym for closet queen. Machismic males who claim that they are homophobic just don't want to see what they look like in the mirror. Real straight men readily admit that they have homosexual fantasies every once in a while and Cosmo said in their survey that 60% of straight men would like to have their homosexual fantasies realized. Hmmm, think-think.

6. Bat – something that flies out of someone's bedroom window when a lover's quarrel is going on between a nagging girlfriend or wife, boyfriend or lover and an extremely patient, and cooped-up husband, lover, or boyfriend. Stay clear!

7. Conceit – an incurable disease that is characterized by the shrinking of the brain, the enlargement of the d__ck, and the hyper-development of chest and arm muscles. Did it ever occur to you – most of the victims of this disease are males? Or is it just that females are just really good at disguising their conceit as false humility? Oh, and I noticed that during my trips to Iloilo, more and more males have unnaturally pale complexions – bleaching? Haaay, what is this world coming to…?

•  Light beer – the sole reason why you still put on weight even when you are on a strict diet. The ‘light' thing doesn't really live up to its name; they're all the same, I'll bet my diet on it.

•  9. Goldfish – something I would really want to live up to its name. Imagine growing gold in a fish bowl? I'm sure the price range would be much higher compared to those bubble eyes, flower tails, and shimbunkins.

10. The Gym – eye candy cathedral and sweat factory. Willy Wonka would be really proud to be in one of those things, unfortunately, sebum does not work well in place of cocoa butter (Yuck!).

So, isn't it fun just sitting around and trying to wash away the cares of the day with some wordplay? Try it yourself, and I am sure you will enjoy undefining things and defining them the way they are really supposed to be defined.

Be rational; be insane…every once in a while! TTFN! Thanks Verona! Welcome to the RI Family! Hello to my dearest readers, to James, Sheen, Hellpen, Anne, Mary Dale, Chan,Michelle, Zarthus, Jonald, Mr. Bobot, Vic, Vincent, and Rex, Alex, Arvin, Corz, Jim, Kiara, Malikh, Audrae, Franz, Hendrick, Janice, Jay, Jim, Jonathan, Mark, Marz, Mel, Pres, Nhonoy, Niel, Piper, Rheavil, Joey, Alma, Rodolfo, Ecker, Ryan, Roni, Ian, Narle, Sunny and to Anuj of CMC, I love you all!

Byers! Salamat gid sa mga walang-hintong text and reactions nyo! Catch Rational Insanity in TNT's online edition, check us out at www.thenewstoday.info, text me at (0920)9254269, or email me at prague@eudoramail.com . Byers! Mmmmmmmwah!